MRI here we come

Patrick (vet) finally phoned me back this afternoon (in all fairness he has been on holiday) and was on his was to lunch in the City.  I explained the videoing, Nic's response, the Insurance company etc, etc.

He was again, great.  He was annoyed with the insurance company for being so pedantic about his wording (which will hopefully make him think a bit more in the future) and said "good for you" when I mentioned that I told them if they weren't going to pay for Rockley then I wanted an MRI.  But he said, he was going to say lets do an MRI anyway.  He didn't really comment on the walking better downhill than uphill.  So I'm still not really sure what/if anything that means.  He did ask what Rockley thought about the videos and I just said Nic thought they were very helpful and interesting.

So the outcome.... he is going to write a report requesting an MRI scan on Monday and phone Rossdales to get her booked in before October.  So I guess about another 7-10 days away.

Here we go again.....  God, how I hate that drive to Newmarket.

Techno Contemplative...

For the past few weeks a few things have been troubling me.  Firstly and possibly most importantly is I'm finding my ability to concentrate is getting harder.

I no longer appear to be able to just watch the TV. I now have to watch the TV and do something on my I-pad.  I think it started when something that David wanted to watch and I didn't.  Which is fair enough, I think....  But it seems to have progressed to even when I am watching something I want to watch.  I don't seem to be able to just watch it.  It would appear I need to watch it and add things to my sainsburys shopping list, look at Facebook and play 5 rounds of candycrush.  May I take this opportunity to mention that I watch tv for approx an hour a day.  Not always my choice but it's what we do. 

I have worked in London for 26 years.  I have commuted on a train for give and take nearly 2 hours every day of those 26 years.  I dont even want to calculate how much of my life this has taken up! But for approx. 24 of those years I have read a book.  It massively helps! The books changed to a kindle, which is a truly amazing device.  It meant, because I have a 3G one, that if I finish a book half way through one of my trips into London.  I can within about 2 minutes have gone into the kindle shop and buy another one and be reading it. Therefore, changing those odd 20 minutes to a few days (if I grieve the finish of a book) of sitting on the train and being alone with my thoughts or maybe listening to some music.

Now reading is a joy for me and very easy.  It also means I have carried on learning for years and years.... Sometimes good stuff and sometimes just trash LOL

Then came the ipad!  Now I love my ipad.  Again it's 3g.  To avoid taking kindle and ipad to work I just used the ipad. I have a kindle app! But something weird has happened recently.  I no longer seem to be able to read.  I think it started when I had a really busy/stressful time time at work a couple of years ago and for obvious reasons I couldn't switch off and concentrate on a book.  So I added games, Facebook etc.  Which meant I could add stimulation but not actually have to think.  Then the box set of Breaking Bad happened at the beginning of this year and I've never looked back. 

I'm on holiday at the moment and have deliberately not taken my ipad out in the day (apart from today as writing my blog doesn't count) and I have again found the joy of reading and realising I can just read a book.  Without thinking... Oh I can't concentrate after reading 2 pages then googling something, then checking Facebook and playing 5 rounds of candycrush. I have read 3 large books in 6 days :-) 

Why can I not just be anymore.. Which does make me question, do I not want to think anymore? I have mentioned in a post recently that I have questioned my life in a way I haven't since my 20's.   Also, have recently criticised people about their constant analysis of their lives and their personalities.  Thinking that I am content and sorted mentally.  Or have I just been avoiding any thinking and blotting it out with other things....  Food for thought and will I allow myself to eat?

Mmmmm

So I have been away in France for a week.  Which was truly amazing.  I do need to write about this is another post.

Whilst I was away.  The vet had written a fairly wafty report to Rockley to which he copied in the insurance company.  The insurance company have pretty much advised they wont pay for Rockley as it doesn't come under any of their approved treatments.  I have spoken to them today though and mentioned that it was fairly short sighted of them as Rockley has an 85% success rate.... and Eager has Loss of Use.   She said they could right to the underwriters requesting it....Mmmmm thought you might LOL.

So the vet report read as below:

Anyway, because the vet wrote she was only showing signs of intermittent lameness.  Nic at Rockley then contacted me saying could I get some footage of her being lame.  I told her this wouldn't be hard as to me, on a circle.  You couldn't get much lamer!

So as soon as I got home.  Vikki came round to video.  When I noticed she was no where near as sound as she was before I went away.  Very short striding on the road but noticeably much happier going down hill rather than up.  Which I thought was a bit weird.  She also trotted up very short.  We then did the circle video.....  just awful.  Far from intermittent lameness.

Nic has responded saying its very interesting and very useful .  So mission accomplished.

I have phoned the vet and I am waiting for him to get back to me.  It is now clear to me she needs an MRI scan.  There is no point in me paying out for Rockley if its something that will never get better. 

As you can see..... not feeling as hopeful as I once was!

The waiting game

Last Wednesday, Antonio came out again to trim Eager's back feet and just check how it was going.  I have been doing as I've been told and walking her out each evening on the road in straight lines.  She was pretty tottery up until pretty much the walk I did before Antonio turned up and she seemed to be walking much better.  So I was pretty pleased. Antonio, then watched her move and still thought she looked quite bad.... ohh.  He trimmed the back feet and also took some more off the side of her left foot to help with the lateral twist.

I had sent the vet the Rockley Vets report and asked him to look at it.  Not having much hope.  But he replied, very quickly saying he could and it sounded a good thing.  It certainly wouldn't do any harm.  Which isn't really what I was expecting! So I was again relieved.

Patrick (vet) came to look at her on the Friday morning and said she actually looked a lot better than she did.  I said she was looking like she did before she went to the vet LOL.  But still not good around corners.  We had a conversation about Rockley and what they did and we both agreed I could probably do it at home if I didn't work and had all the time in the world!  Again we had another conversation about an MRI scan and he seemed to think it wasn't worth doing until after Rockley.  He was happy to refer me to Rockley as there is so much unknown about Navicular and all horses are different.

So I contacted Nic at Rockley and she is pencilled in to go at the beginning of October :-)  Nic has been great so far and has sent me a few bits and also invited me to the Rockley Rehab reunion in September so I can speak to people and see what they are doing.

I have already spoken to Diane (Nic put me in touch) whose horse like mine has always been barefoot and was diagnosed really young at 31/2.  She wasn't particularly pro barefoot but didn't agree with the vets suggestion of putting her still growing youngster in shoes!  So then sent her to Rockley after about 1.5 years of her being lame. She has since been sound, but does have to keep her in a lot of work approx., 10miles of hacking a week.  Which maybe a bit tricky.

So far, so good I guess.  The only fly in the ointment is I don't think SEIB will pay out from what I can see on Facebook Forums.  At £180 pw for 12 weeks.  Rockley is not to be sneezed at.

Eager has loss of use and from a financial perspective its quite an incentive to leave her as she is and make them pay out the LOU and then send her to Rockley.  But how can I do that?  I can't really afford to pay, but I do have access to the money.  I have to give her the best chance.

I go out on a limb

After trekking all the way to Newmarket, which seemed forever!  I cant believe I used to do this journey so frequently with Zulu.  Eager and Donna Blinman finally met.

She found an issue with her right knee. There was a small bone at the front of the knee not moving and also a bone at the back which had pushed the tendon to one side.  Thankfully all sorted, but she did think had caused slight heel imbalance on the right.  She could find nothing on the left leg (which is the one that has bad Navicular changes).

The sacroiliac was stuck and would not be allowing her to use her back end properly.  Putting all the weight into the forehand.  Now it is unstuck, so hopefully she will now be able to take her weight off her front feet.  She advised she would be sore for a few days.

The only comment Donna really made was about how small her feet were for her size. She was certainly moving a lot better after the bodywork.  But to be honest she only looked to be moving bad since she came back from the vet!  I am assuming this is the injections. She said she wouldn't really need to see her for another 6 months. 

We then took off home to be met by Antonio. After much conversation, he pretty much reiterated what I had been reading on the Rockley website.  Therefore, was fully prepared when he said we need to get the heel down and not up as the vet wanted!  So I had to make the decision much there and then.  To go with the vet or against. Now, had I not been reading medical research this week about this, maybe I would not be have been so quick to tell Antonio to do it.  His final words were you need to think of the long term.  So the heel came down.... Maybe the vet won't notice?

Her feet already looked much better from Geoff taking the toe off. 

Antonio's advise was to walk her out on the road each day, starting at 10 minutes and getting progressively longer each day.  This would keep the collateral ligament straight and strengthen it.  She definitely has a medial imbalance when she walks.  Landing at the moment toe first (which she didn't used to) but mainly inside of the foot first and then to the outside.

So I walked her out yesterday up the road in a dually halter with treats and she was a very good girl.  I have to say looking great. :-) 

Before Antonio had trimmed.  So just the toe off.  Wish I had a photo before.  I am ashamed to say pretty grim.

Interesting, because for me the left heel looks better than the right

After Antonio has trimmed down

All I need is a plan.

So. Into the pits and out the otherside.  I knew I would, feeling sorry for myself is not a therapy that really works for me.  Having a plan is! This tends to drive other people mad, they sometimes find it difficult to comprehend the speed with which I can go at and the fact I totally expect them to keep up.

But... It helps me and as this is my blog, so it goes at my speed (I have to say the blog writing is helping)  Anyway Eager has been fine in herself, but far lamer than she was a week ago! Due to large needles being stuck in her joints I guess.  After me stalking out to the stables a few times Thursday night to ensure she didn't have colic (tildren side effect) She has been her usual poppit self.

Rockley Farm, I have been following a for a long time on Facebook.  I'm not entirely sure how how it came on my radar.  I think from meeting Wiola at Hippikos a few years ago, I know she and Pauline had Kingsley there for a time.  Anyway, Nic Baker writes some very interesting articles.  What I didn't realise is that she is and specialises in Navicluar (let's call it's this) rehabilitation.  So, before Eager was even home on Thursday I had phoned her and left a message (I think not too hysterical).

The up shot of this is she phoned back on Friday, sent me an explanation sheet and we have exchanged a few emails and has given me the contact of a lady whose horse was there earlier in the year.  A mare also 5 who had never been shod.  I look forward to talking to her soon. She recommended I wait a couple of weeks to see how we go.  But after that and the vets agreement she is more than happy to take her for Rehab.  

With regards to Nic, I haven't been able to find (not that I've looked) a single deflammatory post about her.  It is so refreshing that with the blogs and her quick responses she obviously just wants to help horses.  It's not just about the making money. The vet report sheet is encouraging.  She has an 85% success rate. 85%! That's good enough odds for me and almost the reverse of conventional methods (from what I can gather) and not just field sound.  Back to hunting, jumping and eventing sound. 

So I wait like a cat on a hot tin roof for 2 weeks to see what happens. 

So Geoff farrier came on Friday night and took the toe off her feet.  (should have taken a picture before) he also said that she shouldn't have wedge shoes as her foot is upright enough and it would put her knee's out.  Also commented he was very surprised as she just didn't have Navicular feet....

I am off to Donna Blinman on Monday, having purchased two RX Therapy boots with thick pads to make her journey more comfy. I find it amazing this appointment was booked a few weeks ago when I had an inkling there was something not quite right.   But there was no rush. I left a message with Donna on weds and bless her, she emailed back Friday to say she had already requested the notes from my vet.  Lol that will please them! So it will be good to have her view and also to see if the imbalance is further up. (Which I am sure it is) 

Then I get home from there on Monday and Antonio is coming to look at her feet. 

She stayed in the box until yesterday (Saturday) and thankfully just sauntered out of the box yesterday evening.  Leading the boys to the back field, taking it as always in her stride.  She just trust me, I know she does. I won't let her down. 

Anyway, what about that for a plan! 

The day I question everything.....

Last night I lay in bed and for the first time probably since my 20's.  I questioned everything in my life. Everything I have done for 15 years. The work , the house, the no children, the money I've spent, the tears I've shed.  Absolutely everything.  If all it amounts to is this........

I have been amazingly remiss at writing, again thinking I had all of the time in the world. The training with Juliet every week has been going well jumping.  Also I have been on a couple more courses at Becky's. The last being most notable when we got her working beautifully.... But there was something not quite right.  I have been having these niggaling feelings that she hasn't been quite sound.  But the moments have been fleeting and then she is fine.  I accuse myself of being paranoid. 

But at Becky's 3 weeks ago we have the unsound steps in trot on video.  Thankfully, I had the physio out the next day and we worked on her shoulders and she gave me an exercise to do. But if she is not sound in a week, to call the vet.  I had her feet checked.  They were fine, no tenderness.  A week later she isn't sound, so I call the vet.

I tell myself it can be any number of things.  People get lame horses all of the time and they are fine. This doesn't have to be anything terminal.  Conor retired at 13 and Zulu at 10, I couldn't possibly be that unlucky.  It will be fine. Maybe it's a tendon, maybe it's a bit of shoulder tension.  Maybe they won't find anything and the appointment I made months ago with Donna Blinman this coming Monday will just sort it all out.  It will be fine.

So she spends a week off and I go to Nice for the weekend, which was amazing. I return Monday and on Tuesday I take her to Blaircourt for her lameness assessment with Patrick.  Bless her I left her in the box and her little face as I drove off watching me.  I suddenly realised the reality.

No phone call that night, but Patrick left me a message on Wednesday morning to tell me she was lame in all gaits on a straight line and on the lunge.  They nerve blocked the left foot and she became sound on the left, but lame on the right.  Conclusion, she has a bilateral foot lameness. Tomorrow he was going to nerve block the coffin joints and X-ray the feet. 

He phoned the next day at midday. He had nerve blocked the coffin on the left and it took 8 mins to become sound.  He said this was far too long for it to be the coffin joints, by 8 minutes it would be in the navicular. So he has x-rayed and it isn't good.  She has terrible wear on the navicular bone that shouldn't be on a 5 year old. I questioned what, as although Navicular strikes the fear of god into every equestrian I know this isn't a problem in its own right, it isn't a disease as it was once classed, its a symptom. 

It can be a few things.  The main one is caused by excessive wear and unevenness on the collateral ligaments that run down each side and attach to the navicular bone.  If this is excessive it can cause the ligament to pull off fragments of bone.  He is worried that he can see this, but isn't quite sure. It's something she would need to have an MRI scan for.  The irony that it's mainly on shod horses and research suggest that going barefoot can then help.... She has only ever been barefoot. 

He showed me lots of pictures and models, whilst I understand it I can't remember all he said now. But it's mainly to do with for imbalance.  I am cursing my farrier and myself for not using Antonio. Patrick said not to be hard on myself, this kind of damage isn't done in a few months. 

Navicular Syndrome as it is now called is not the death sentence it used to be. We may have caught it in time.

I discussed that maybe we should go for an MRI and he said we could, but the treatment would be the same.  So lets treat and if she isn't sound in 6 weeks, we will send for a scan.

So yesterday, she was injected with steroids and hyaluronic acid into both her coffin joint and navicular bursars.  She then had a drip of Tildren which is a bone growth inhibitor and is known to be amazing for navicular problems. He also wanted to put her in wedge shoes, which so far I cannot see the benefit of, so we have agreed to disagree on this.  He is for the moment going along with getting my trimmer to get the toe off and balance her foot. I am not totally anti shoe, but he is certainly anti barefoot!  I just don't get how it helps? I just don't. I do understand the foot needs to be totally balanced and the toe shorter, I don't get how shoes help this more than a good trim if she isn't foot sore?

I've read good stories, especially at Rockley Farm about horses becoming sound after being written off by vets. Rockley getting them barefoot....  But she is barefoot already, I hope it's just a balancing thing? Because otherwise it leaves me nowhere to go.....

But last night all I could think of is the reality... The good stories are few and far between.  Even if she is sound? Is it right to jump? So my last dream of eventing is dead. I am within a year back to riding a horse which I am constantly worried about.  If she comes sound at all?

I can't look after or afford anymore more horses.  She is so lovely, I dont think I can so ruthless as to get rid of her.  Will I have 4 retired horses that potentially can live for another 25 years?

So what has it all been for? The dreams of flying. The sacrifice, the tears, the pain and the heartache. Because at the moment.... I just don't know. I am 42, what on earth do I do now? What am I if I'm not riding? It has become my whole life. I fear at the moment for my liver, my marriage and my sanity.