The day I question everything.....

Last night I lay in bed and for the first time probably since my 20's.  I questioned everything in my life. Everything I have done for 15 years. The work , the house, the no children, the money I've spent, the tears I've shed.  Absolutely everything.  If all it amounts to is this........

I have been amazingly remiss at writing, again thinking I had all of the time in the world. The training with Juliet every week has been going well jumping.  Also I have been on a couple more courses at Becky's. The last being most notable when we got her working beautifully.... But there was something not quite right.  I have been having these niggaling feelings that she hasn't been quite sound.  But the moments have been fleeting and then she is fine.  I accuse myself of being paranoid. 

But at Becky's 3 weeks ago we have the unsound steps in trot on video.  Thankfully, I had the physio out the next day and we worked on her shoulders and she gave me an exercise to do. But if she is not sound in a week, to call the vet.  I had her feet checked.  They were fine, no tenderness.  A week later she isn't sound, so I call the vet.

I tell myself it can be any number of things.  People get lame horses all of the time and they are fine. This doesn't have to be anything terminal.  Conor retired at 13 and Zulu at 10, I couldn't possibly be that unlucky.  It will be fine. Maybe it's a tendon, maybe it's a bit of shoulder tension.  Maybe they won't find anything and the appointment I made months ago with Donna Blinman this coming Monday will just sort it all out.  It will be fine.

So she spends a week off and I go to Nice for the weekend, which was amazing. I return Monday and on Tuesday I take her to Blaircourt for her lameness assessment with Patrick.  Bless her I left her in the box and her little face as I drove off watching me.  I suddenly realised the reality.

No phone call that night, but Patrick left me a message on Wednesday morning to tell me she was lame in all gaits on a straight line and on the lunge.  They nerve blocked the left foot and she became sound on the left, but lame on the right.  Conclusion, she has a bilateral foot lameness. Tomorrow he was going to nerve block the coffin joints and X-ray the feet. 

He phoned the next day at midday. He had nerve blocked the coffin on the left and it took 8 mins to become sound.  He said this was far too long for it to be the coffin joints, by 8 minutes it would be in the navicular. So he has x-rayed and it isn't good.  She has terrible wear on the navicular bone that shouldn't be on a 5 year old. I questioned what, as although Navicular strikes the fear of god into every equestrian I know this isn't a problem in its own right, it isn't a disease as it was once classed, its a symptom. 

It can be a few things.  The main one is caused by excessive wear and unevenness on the collateral ligaments that run down each side and attach to the navicular bone.  If this is excessive it can cause the ligament to pull off fragments of bone.  He is worried that he can see this, but isn't quite sure. It's something she would need to have an MRI scan for.  The irony that it's mainly on shod horses and research suggest that going barefoot can then help.... She has only ever been barefoot. 

He showed me lots of pictures and models, whilst I understand it I can't remember all he said now. But it's mainly to do with for imbalance.  I am cursing my farrier and myself for not using Antonio. Patrick said not to be hard on myself, this kind of damage isn't done in a few months. 

Navicular Syndrome as it is now called is not the death sentence it used to be. We may have caught it in time.

I discussed that maybe we should go for an MRI and he said we could, but the treatment would be the same.  So lets treat and if she isn't sound in 6 weeks, we will send for a scan.

So yesterday, she was injected with steroids and hyaluronic acid into both her coffin joint and navicular bursars.  She then had a drip of Tildren which is a bone growth inhibitor and is known to be amazing for navicular problems. He also wanted to put her in wedge shoes, which so far I cannot see the benefit of, so we have agreed to disagree on this.  He is for the moment going along with getting my trimmer to get the toe off and balance her foot. I am not totally anti shoe, but he is certainly anti barefoot!  I just don't get how it helps? I just don't. I do understand the foot needs to be totally balanced and the toe shorter, I don't get how shoes help this more than a good trim if she isn't foot sore?

I've read good stories, especially at Rockley Farm about horses becoming sound after being written off by vets. Rockley getting them barefoot....  But she is barefoot already, I hope it's just a balancing thing? Because otherwise it leaves me nowhere to go.....

But last night all I could think of is the reality... The good stories are few and far between.  Even if she is sound? Is it right to jump? So my last dream of eventing is dead. I am within a year back to riding a horse which I am constantly worried about.  If she comes sound at all?

I can't look after or afford anymore more horses.  She is so lovely, I dont think I can so ruthless as to get rid of her.  Will I have 4 retired horses that potentially can live for another 25 years?

So what has it all been for? The dreams of flying. The sacrifice, the tears, the pain and the heartache. Because at the moment.... I just don't know. I am 42, what on earth do I do now? What am I if I'm not riding? It has become my whole life. I fear at the moment for my liver, my marriage and my sanity.