Live in the moment

For years I’ve beaten myself up… about many things… but an awful lot about not riding enough. 

Questioning my commitment and even if I want to really ride. Knowing full well that if I rode more consistently than just a hack on a Saturday and Sunday, it would all improve. More so in recent years, with my massive confidence issues exacerbated by Eagers constant medical issues.  But for about the last 6 months and frequent visits from Rob Jackson she has been about as good as it gets… without constant work. 

I’ve known this. Yet despite this I have kid myself that the two hacks at the weekend and if I’m totally honest once a week in the school (sometimes not even ridden) is enough.. Actually I’ve always known this isn’t enough. I was kidding no one… least of all myself.

So I got made redundant nearly two months ago. After 31 years of constant work, I am for a while.. Free (that’s another story entirely)  For the first month not a lot really changed. Getting up slightly later  at just gone 6. Giving the horses breakfast and nebulising Eager. Then turning them out again. Riding (rarely) at about 6pm, which whilst earlier than my old working routine. Late nonetheless. I think a lot of this has to do with routine and nobody liking change. But also a little bit about being scared to change. What if I get another job soon and have to change back again? It will be such a shock to us all again.

But, something changed a couple of  weeks ago. Not sure what entirely. But a few people saying ‘bet you’re enjoying the time off and riding loads’ to which the answer was ‘yes, I think so and no not really’ seemed to me like I was wasting time here…  So, I changed.  I now get up at just gone 6. Give them breakfast and a leaf of hay and shut the stable doors… with them in it. Nebulise, go and do some bits inside then, come out and ride!!! Roughly, all by about 10am.  I have ridden nearly everyday for about 3 weeks.  Probably in a week,  about 4 days schooling and 2 hacking.

No day spent procrastinating, or getting tired, or coming up with excuses not to ride. Just eating breakfast, putting boots on and riding. Just like that! It’s easy. In fact it’s really easy and funnily enough already after only two weeks. Stuff is changing in both Eager and myself. So much so that I’m now thinking shit… I’m going to have to go back to work. I love this!

But the meaning of this blog is getting lost. Basically, having a full time stressful job. That involved 3-4 hours travelling a day and then looking after 4 horses with no help and riding one is BLOODY hard! A few people have questioned how I did it.  But, I’ve never really acknowledged it. After all it’s the way it had to be and sadly, the way it will probably need to be again. 

But it’s tough.  There is no pleasure in riding at 7pm at night in the cold and dark on a spooky opinionated mare . Or at 7pm on a perfect summers evening having had an awful day at work.  You are tired, possibly not in a good frame of mind to ride and just want to sit down with a glass of wine.

I know people do it. People far more disciplined than myself. I know people do it, who also have children and jobs… but to what cost? Some people will give up everything else in their lives to get in and ride the pony, to compete, to be the best.

I am not that person. I love my horses, I’ve built my entire life around them. But not to the cost of everything else. Life, I feel, should be about balance. It’s about eating the salad with a chocolate cake afterwards, about having the gin & tonic (when I say a… I mean 4) and drinking water all the next day, it’s about going to the gym so you can sit in a restaurant with your friends eating pizza. It’s about living for now but realising there is a future consequence for your actions.

So for now I’m going to really enjoy my riding each morning. I’m going to build on my knowledge about my beautiful mare and hope this will have positive impact on future necessities.  Live in the moment (as they say).

Picture of beautiful Pony at Ashen in April 2019...

Coming Home

So...... its now August.  The end of August at that.  Without scratching around in diaries... I would imagine its now over a year since I came off Eager and the decline of my confidence.

Its been a tough, tough year. Mentally, I took a bit of a battering.  If I'm honest, if Eager wasn't so expensive to keep (breathing wise) I would have considered selling her.  There have been points when I thought it was just her and I would have been happy to ride another horse. 

Then another issue arose in her mouth and at the end of May, she had a tooth out.  This all giving me another excuse (lets be honest) to not ride in the school.... aware now that it really is coming to shit or bust time!

I have to go back to a plan...  So I phone Juliet and explain what is happening to me and out she came at the end of June.  She has been pretty much coming to see me every couple of weeks.  I love Juliet and whilst I have no idea really what riding 'more leg to hand' means...  or 'inside leg to outside hand' when she tells me.  I can roughly translate into Becky language.  She is an absolute wealth of experience and I trust her.  Which is pretty much the most important thing.  If someone tells me my horse looks fine and to push on, unless I trust their opinion.  I am not going to do it!  So very slowly, she has got me trotting around my school to the point of last week I wasn't really very anxious at all (although I had my moments).  It amounted to hanging in with the sticky bits and pushing her on.  Its still not immensely pretty, but we are functional!

We had a small interlude of Eager looking locked behind and I by some fate of the gods managed to get Rob Jackson out within a week to unlock her.  Just in time for my weekend with Becky that I managed to book in for the Bank Holiday.

So we arrived on Saturday for our first lesson, about an hour before my lesson.  Giving me enough time to unload, nebulise, put massage pad on, do RJ flexions, tack up and be in the school for 12.30pm.  This was slightly deliberate in not allowing me time to think.

As soon as I got on I knew she was fine and in a good move.  So off we went, trotting within the first few minutes.  

..... 10 months later I can see I posted but didn't finish this blog...  Which is a shame.  The outcome was... I had a fabulous course with my great support network at Ashen.  Its not all been that simple, but I can finally say in June 2019.  I can now trot my horse around a school (yes I used to event) !  Its been very hard work... and you need to want it enough.

The plan goes forth!

So.... as it turns out, I’ve probably said before. For me there is no magic formula to regain confidence. Yes, there are strategies that you can use in your brain. I did an amazing NLP course over a few months a few years ago, which armed me with useful tools but also made me realise I was doing a few of them anyway.  For someone else these strategies could make the difference.  But what happens when you are using them anyway?

So for me its almost about 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'.  You can chunk it down and set yourself achievable goals but you just need to DO IT!

That's if you want to do it?  It may take some harsh words with yourself or for someone else to speak those harsh words to you.  Its OK if you don't want to Event anymore.  Its OK if you don't want to school your horse and just hack in walk down the road for the rest of your life.  But, if after having the conversation, you do want to do more than this.  You need to make your choice.

So after these words being spoken to me and me thinking honestly about them.  My decision is I do want to ride my horse.  I do want to ride my horse faster than walk in the school (before we both expire of boredom) and I do not to stop my parameters shrinking and shrinking.

Becky (the harsh but needed words) advised that to make the change I need to do it at least 4 times a week.  I need to go in the school and trot my horse at least 4 times a week to make the change.

So.....  for nearly 4 weeks (1 week off due to snow and wrenched hip joint shifting the chain harrow, luckily the two coincided) that is what I've been doing.

Maybe I should explain what happens when I ask Eager to trot.  She goes into trot, she hollows, tightens up and she punches back at me.  Then goes back to walk.  She is quite compelling that walk is where we want to be.  What I currently don't have the confidence to do is ride the hollow, punchy trot until I can change it and tell her to bloody well get on with it!!  In walk she is amazing, lovely and rounded, stretching into the contact and soft.

The first week consisted of lunge work (not much) and some ground work.  Then getting on asking her to trot and then making it my decision to stop.  This was tricky and I was unhappy and felt unsafe.  Ridiculously high anxiety.  So I tried playing classical music (I find this quite calming on the train after my 10 mins meditation) on my iPhone in my pocket.  It helped!!!  Anxiety definitely better and managing to get some trots in, albeit quite small.

Week two - snow

Week three - Eager and I now have a playlist of inspirational and songs that I like and think would be good to ride too.  Its working by the 3rd session of the week I actually kicked her on and told her not to be such a bag... and she went.

Week four.  So its now yesterday. We manage two full circuits of trot on each rein. She was forward going and I chose when to stop.  There is anxiety but not much.  But, I now have the courage to tell her to get on with it... and she is.  I was so pleased, feeling we had really turned a corner.

So just as I was thinking I'll do some proper work in walk and then do some more trot.  I asked her to turn across the school and she argues...  So I revert to plan no 2 of talking aloud and riding purposefully and very plugged in to the next marker.  So purposefully that when she spooks very dramatically spinning left and dropping about 2ft.  My hips and lower body stay firmly in place. Very secure. Unfortunately my upper body is more focused on where I'm riding in the opposite direction (I do think my head nearly hit her shoulder).  This dramatic jarring twist isn't a good move for my sacroiliac joint.

Immediately I'm in agony.  I manage to turn her and ride her past where she spooked.  Turn a few more circles.  Then I have to get off.  Too much pain,

SHIT SHIT SHIT
 

Its been a long time.... Too faked out to make it.

So many things have happened since the last post....  I almost don't know where to start.  So I'll start with what is going in my life right now.

I have lost my confidence.  There I've said it!

I have suffered with this in varying degrees over the last few years if I'm honest.  Really since Zulu.  When I realised there was a big difference between riding a physically compromised 16.1 ID X to riding a 18.1 big moving Warmblood.

Having learnt to ride the 18.1 big moving warmblood and the physical issues that come with this (for the horse and me) I purchased Eager who is a very different stamp of Warmblood.  As it turns out probably not so big moving because she was also compromised...  but a different post for another time.

But something Eager is, which neither of my other two were is very sharp. The amount of times people comment when you are riding a big horse (both wide or tall or both).  Wow you are so brave up there.... well not so much.  Yes, if Zulu did something gymnastic it was huge and quite scary.  Being 15ft up in the air on Zulu wasn't as difficult for us as you would think!  But, there is a LOT of horse to sit on, a lot of horse in front, a lot of horse to the side.  I'm not saying big horses cant be quick and sharp.  But in my experience they tend not to be so much.  Think of a giraffe running, its like slow motion. 

I liked this when I first got her.  I definitely think she would have made a great event horse because of the quick thinking sharpness.   There was always an element of 'fifth leg' to Eager.  The 'fifth leg' is actually her brain.

But due to soundness issue, lack of consistency in her training and also the changes she had to make to her own physicality she started to feel not so safe.  She was no longer so balanced and then the sharpness turned on me.

A few sticky instances when spooking.  Eager can do a 180 and be at full gallop within 0.5 of a second.  This happened a lot and she caught me... a lot.  So this even helped, I absolutely knew she didn't want me on the floor and would always catch me.  Which gave me the confidence to push her when she would push back.

Then one day she didn't.  One day she tried her absolute hardest to not catch me.  I'm not sure she meant it.  There could be a number of factors to why, which are now irrelevant.  It also may have been bad timing for me mentally.  But sadly, this one time of her not catching me overwrote all of those times she did. 

This was last August (Shit! I just looked this up, I thought was November).  Apart from a couple of courses at Becky's.  I haven't really trotted her in a school since.  On the road I'm fine!  I have been aware of it hovering in the background, but I haven't acknowledged it or really tried to give it much brain space at all.  This being under the pretence of not wanting to feed the fear.  But, this meant I hadn't dealt with it at all.  I'd just done nothing.... apart from become a master of all things lateral in walk.  God I was bored!! 

So I went on my first course of 2018 at Becky's and I lost the plot.  I couldn't do it.  I could no longer fake the confidence to make it.  Rock bottom was hit....

So with the help of my wonderful friends.  We came up with a plan.

p.s.  I have just read the last couple of posts from before.   This isnt really a new issue is it!!!

Badminton Inspiration

Things are just getting better and better with Eager at the moment.  I am thoroughly enjoying riding her and starting to feel more like the rider I know I am.  Riding in the school (out) is no longer an issue, although I still haven't ridden in the school at home.  This is a small amount of me not wanting too but more now to do with the surface being rubbish. 

Last weekend David and I went to Badminton HT for 3 days.  Whilst not on any level am I thinking the **** is possible (that ship has definitely sailed) the Grassroots fences that I saw were do able.

So I really need to work on my mental attitude because I can easily ride what is needed.  I just need to sort my head thing out.  I need to change my mind, from that could happen if I do that? to there is the other side and I need to be there!  Its all in your head.  Which lets face it, is pretty much the difference between the people at the top of any sport and the bottom.

Progression in anything is all about the planning.  Setting yourself smaller achievable to steps to attain an achievable goal.  I say achievable, what I may mean is realistic.  For instance at 43 having only been around 1 3DE and about 2 1DE and many x-country courses up to about 90cm it would be unrealistic to have a goal of winning the Rolex Grand Slam.  Unless, of course I gave up work, won about 40 million and rode a 1 DE everyday for the next few years.  Even then I doubt I would have the experience to do it!!!  But, I do know qualifying for the Grassroots Championships is achievable. 

For the BE90
Eligible horse/rider combinations that finish in the top 10 per cent in each normal BE90  or BE90 Open section held at BE events from 1st July 2014 and 30th June 2015 inclusive, will qualify to compete at a BE90 Regional Final. During August – October 2015, BE90 Regional Finals, confined to qualified horses, will be conducted in accordance with the rules for BE90 classes. Horse and rider combinations may only compete in one of the BE90 Regional Finals for each qualifying result attained, but, having qualified, may not compete in subsequent BE90 Regional Finals.

To start doing this I need to start eventing and I believe if I was to put it in scale it would look something like this.

Compete BE90 - YAY
Compete BE80 - YAY
Compete Unaffiliated 1DE
Compete Cross Country
Compete Show Jumping
Cross Country Training
Show Jumping Training
Try Jumpcross
Jump in different arenas
Jump on grass
Gain hours jump training
Start jumping Eager
School on grass
Compete Dressage
Strengthen Eagers canter
Sort out my arena

Now the ones at the bottom a reasonably interchangeable.  Less so the ones at the top.  The plan has begun....

Confidence.....

I have had something of a revelation in the last few months of actually enjoying my hacking.  So much so that I haven't ridden in the school at all and if I’m honest it has become a bit of a thing! 

Eager is a bossy little thing, not malicious or wanting me on the ground at all.  But if you don't fill her dance card, she flosses around that ball room showing you a few moves of her own (that are yet to be of any benefit, apart from maybe cow roping).   Funnily enough, being wazzed at 180 degrees in 0.2 or a second does not lend itself to me riding in the school.  Avoidance.  Tactic no. 1!

I went to Becky's at the beginning of April for a 3 day course, obviously it’s in a school. Whilst my anxiety were ridiculously  high on a few occasions I did manage to only get one spook in 3 days which wasn't bad going!  In fact by day 3, I realised what a truly amazing horse I have.  Despite not going in the school for 9 months we had a very decent shoulder in and Travers by the end.  Travers I asked for the first time on day 3 and she just did it!  Wow :-)  Trot we realised was making her very tense, so Becky allowed me to avoid this.  Especially, as all was going so well in walk.  It’s clear I can work on things in my own time and get results, without the need to be in the school all of the time.  But this isn’t really solving the problem….

The well-meaning people on the course started to ask me why I was anxious and I wasn’t willing to discuss it.  It’s not that I was being mean, it’s just I don’t want to give it the air time or the brain space.  The brain doesn’t do negative thought.  So if you try not to think about it…. That’s exactly what you are doing.  I know sometimes it’s silly.  But, it is what it is and no amount of analysing it by someone else will help my situation.  In my experience, the only thing that will help ME, for MY situation is time.  I know I need to put myself in the stretch zone, but I need to do that on my terms in my way.  Because, my instinct if I get really stressed is to just leave the situation and I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally.  This really doesn’t do the situation any good at all!  I’m not inclined to put my faith in strangers and the best of times, let alone when I am scared!

I’m sure there are a million reasons why I have lost my confidence in certain situations at the moment.  Age, upset, experience, etc., etc. but the crux of the matter is we just need to get our trust back, in each other.  I had a conversation at the weekend with Marian telling her about Eagers canter through the woods on Saturday and how slow she was.  Marian said can I stop you, you cantered through the woods but you won’t ride in the school?  Yep, don’t have a problem out.  That’s what I’ve been doing 3 times a week for 4 months, why would I LOL.  Makes sense to me!

But, I am aware I need to do something because I have dreams to fulfil.  I have been to Juliet twice and she is working with me and she said I am a million times better each time she sees me.  As long as that continues its fine!  I rode in the school at home this week.  Only for 15 mins (down one end) but I did it and trotted.  It’s now been 3 occasions in the school that she hasn’t done a dramatic spook at an imaginary monster.  No 180’s for a few weeks.  So I am learning that if I ride her and keep her attention she won’t make it up as she goes along and eventually I will forget completely and she is learning (I believe) that it doesn’t hurt anymore when I ride her in the school in circles. We are learning again, to trust each other.

Hacking, she is great in company and rarely gets stressed of spooky.  I had recently had a few successful solo hacks. Not for very long, but working up to the day when she can comfortably go on her own.  But a couple of weeks ago, she wasn’t having it at all.  Bouncing and plunging in the road, dangerously close to ditches and cars because she didn’t want to go where I was telling her.  I just didn’t have the nerve to do what I thought was needed which was to give her a smack and ride her like I wanted to move forward.  I wasn’t in a good place in the road and I wasn’t sure what the fallout was going to be and if I could sit on it.  I didn’t know how far she would go to get her own way.  I went home feeling very dejected and cross with myself for quite frankly not having the balls to ride it!

Last night, I went out with next door and her livery and for some reason I put on my air jacket.  She steamed off in front which was a good sign and I said to Sue and Helen as we approached the dodgy area, can you do me a favour, if she starts to misbehave, don’t come in front of me.  Let me get her through.  Well as luck would have it and we turned the corner there was road signs and barrier etc.  So approaching the area she doesn’t like (donkey field) and with added stimulation as if on cue she stops to spin, which I stop and she starts to bounce up and down. Sue and Helen stayed back and I turned her around and gave her a smack, she bounced a few more times and I smacked again and she moved forward.  Good girl, lots of praise.  She stopped again and started bouncing, another smack and ride it forward.  She went, lots of praise and a long rein as a reward.  This continued by a few more barriers we came across until the last one she just tensed, but carried on going.  I don’t think I have ever been so pleased or felt so confident in my riding in a long time.  I sat on it and bloody rode it!

I learnt the worst she was going to do at that was bunny hop, she learnt that she has to go when I say so.  Back to the contract, you do what I tell you to do and I promise I’ll do my damnedest to not put you in any dangerous situations.

We are getting there…

Post Rockley - What I've actually done - Feed

I feel that I haven't really written much about Eagers return and what I have been doing.  So I'll try and tell you.  But basically, I (maybe for first time) have been doing exactly what I was told to do.

Feed
Has pretty much remained as it was with the addition of high spec minerals.  I for many years have fed a no sugar and as few additives as possible diet from Simple Systems https://www.simplesystemhorsefeeds.co.uk/  SS works for me on many levels and still feed my own version of their Total Eclipse Balancer being linseed, seaweed and brewers yeast.  I order online and they come and deliver and stack up in my barn genius!
I don't consider SS perfect in all things, if I had all the money in the world I would probably go with Thunderbrooks http://www.thunderbrook.co.uk/  But from what I can see its not financially viable for me, a multi horse owner. Dr Deborah Carley is an interesting person indeed and have on frequent occasions for Zulu fed their Gut Restore and Liquid Gold.  She is a font of knowlege and worth following.

With regards to the minerals.  Nic recommends you have your grazing/hay analysed and you supplement accordingly.  I wasn't entirely happy with this due to the hay coming from different places/fields.  Also, I think you need to be careful when feeding straight minerals.
So after some research I decided on a broadspec mineral balancer from the EquiNatural Company http://www.equinatural.co.uk/EquiVita
Because, I have 3 big horses (they all need help with their feet) this seemed the highest spec for the best money.  Nic also recommends a company called Progressive Earth, who I know Marion has found very helpful.  Without a doubt, Zulu and Conors feet have improved since I have been using.  There is definitely a different quality to the hoof.  Much, like I observed in Eagers at Rockley.  Its hard to say, but even to touch, it feels different.  Almost more dense?  I have also since the start of March added extra magnesium to all of their feeds. Which is meant to make a vast difference to their footyness when the grass is too sugary.  You can't overfeed this as the body will just get rid of it with no adverse affect.  Interestly enough, Conor has always loved his foot soaks in Epsom salt.  Which is something I have always done if he looks sore.  Guess what it contains.... yep magnesium!

They have a handful of Simple Systems lucie/grass nuts, natural hay chop (no molasses), large scoop of linseed plus seaweed, rosehips and for my oldies boswelia.  I am currently also feeding dandelion, cleavers, nettle and milk thistle as a spring tonic.

I have always fed herbs to my horses and people have questioned me how I know what to feed them? Well, obviously like everyone else I can read the descriptions for each herb on the box, websites etc.  But, how do I pick them....  well I don't know.  I just decide what they may need and I do it.  I suppose some would say I go with my gut, but I'm sure its more informed than that. 

So far so, good.