Confidence.....

I have had something of a revelation in the last few months of actually enjoying my hacking.  So much so that I haven't ridden in the school at all and if I’m honest it has become a bit of a thing! 

Eager is a bossy little thing, not malicious or wanting me on the ground at all.  But if you don't fill her dance card, she flosses around that ball room showing you a few moves of her own (that are yet to be of any benefit, apart from maybe cow roping).   Funnily enough, being wazzed at 180 degrees in 0.2 or a second does not lend itself to me riding in the school.  Avoidance.  Tactic no. 1!

I went to Becky's at the beginning of April for a 3 day course, obviously it’s in a school. Whilst my anxiety were ridiculously  high on a few occasions I did manage to only get one spook in 3 days which wasn't bad going!  In fact by day 3, I realised what a truly amazing horse I have.  Despite not going in the school for 9 months we had a very decent shoulder in and Travers by the end.  Travers I asked for the first time on day 3 and she just did it!  Wow :-)  Trot we realised was making her very tense, so Becky allowed me to avoid this.  Especially, as all was going so well in walk.  It’s clear I can work on things in my own time and get results, without the need to be in the school all of the time.  But this isn’t really solving the problem….

The well-meaning people on the course started to ask me why I was anxious and I wasn’t willing to discuss it.  It’s not that I was being mean, it’s just I don’t want to give it the air time or the brain space.  The brain doesn’t do negative thought.  So if you try not to think about it…. That’s exactly what you are doing.  I know sometimes it’s silly.  But, it is what it is and no amount of analysing it by someone else will help my situation.  In my experience, the only thing that will help ME, for MY situation is time.  I know I need to put myself in the stretch zone, but I need to do that on my terms in my way.  Because, my instinct if I get really stressed is to just leave the situation and I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally.  This really doesn’t do the situation any good at all!  I’m not inclined to put my faith in strangers and the best of times, let alone when I am scared!

I’m sure there are a million reasons why I have lost my confidence in certain situations at the moment.  Age, upset, experience, etc., etc. but the crux of the matter is we just need to get our trust back, in each other.  I had a conversation at the weekend with Marian telling her about Eagers canter through the woods on Saturday and how slow she was.  Marian said can I stop you, you cantered through the woods but you won’t ride in the school?  Yep, don’t have a problem out.  That’s what I’ve been doing 3 times a week for 4 months, why would I LOL.  Makes sense to me!

But, I am aware I need to do something because I have dreams to fulfil.  I have been to Juliet twice and she is working with me and she said I am a million times better each time she sees me.  As long as that continues its fine!  I rode in the school at home this week.  Only for 15 mins (down one end) but I did it and trotted.  It’s now been 3 occasions in the school that she hasn’t done a dramatic spook at an imaginary monster.  No 180’s for a few weeks.  So I am learning that if I ride her and keep her attention she won’t make it up as she goes along and eventually I will forget completely and she is learning (I believe) that it doesn’t hurt anymore when I ride her in the school in circles. We are learning again, to trust each other.

Hacking, she is great in company and rarely gets stressed of spooky.  I had recently had a few successful solo hacks. Not for very long, but working up to the day when she can comfortably go on her own.  But a couple of weeks ago, she wasn’t having it at all.  Bouncing and plunging in the road, dangerously close to ditches and cars because she didn’t want to go where I was telling her.  I just didn’t have the nerve to do what I thought was needed which was to give her a smack and ride her like I wanted to move forward.  I wasn’t in a good place in the road and I wasn’t sure what the fallout was going to be and if I could sit on it.  I didn’t know how far she would go to get her own way.  I went home feeling very dejected and cross with myself for quite frankly not having the balls to ride it!

Last night, I went out with next door and her livery and for some reason I put on my air jacket.  She steamed off in front which was a good sign and I said to Sue and Helen as we approached the dodgy area, can you do me a favour, if she starts to misbehave, don’t come in front of me.  Let me get her through.  Well as luck would have it and we turned the corner there was road signs and barrier etc.  So approaching the area she doesn’t like (donkey field) and with added stimulation as if on cue she stops to spin, which I stop and she starts to bounce up and down. Sue and Helen stayed back and I turned her around and gave her a smack, she bounced a few more times and I smacked again and she moved forward.  Good girl, lots of praise.  She stopped again and started bouncing, another smack and ride it forward.  She went, lots of praise and a long rein as a reward.  This continued by a few more barriers we came across until the last one she just tensed, but carried on going.  I don’t think I have ever been so pleased or felt so confident in my riding in a long time.  I sat on it and bloody rode it!

I learnt the worst she was going to do at that was bunny hop, she learnt that she has to go when I say so.  Back to the contract, you do what I tell you to do and I promise I’ll do my damnedest to not put you in any dangerous situations.

We are getting there…