So...... its now August. The end of August at that. Without scratching around in diaries... I would imagine its now over a year since I came off Eager and the decline of my confidence.
Its been a tough, tough year. Mentally, I took a bit of a battering. If I'm honest, if Eager wasn't so expensive to keep (breathing wise) I would have considered selling her. There have been points when I thought it was just her and I would have been happy to ride another horse.
Then another issue arose in her mouth and at the end of May, she had a tooth out. This all giving me another excuse (lets be honest) to not ride in the school.... aware now that it really is coming to shit or bust time!
I have to go back to a plan... So I phone Juliet and explain what is happening to me and out she came at the end of June. She has been pretty much coming to see me every couple of weeks. I love Juliet and whilst I have no idea really what riding 'more leg to hand' means... or 'inside leg to outside hand' when she tells me. I can roughly translate into Becky language. She is an absolute wealth of experience and I trust her. Which is pretty much the most important thing. If someone tells me my horse looks fine and to push on, unless I trust their opinion. I am not going to do it! So very slowly, she has got me trotting around my school to the point of last week I wasn't really very anxious at all (although I had my moments). It amounted to hanging in with the sticky bits and pushing her on. Its still not immensely pretty, but we are functional!
We had a small interlude of Eager looking locked behind and I by some fate of the gods managed to get Rob Jackson out within a week to unlock her. Just in time for my weekend with Becky that I managed to book in for the Bank Holiday.
So we arrived on Saturday for our first lesson, about an hour before my lesson. Giving me enough time to unload, nebulise, put massage pad on, do RJ flexions, tack up and be in the school for 12.30pm. This was slightly deliberate in not allowing me time to think.
As soon as I got on I knew she was fine and in a good move. So off we went, trotting within the first few minutes.
..... 10 months later I can see I posted but didn't finish this blog... Which is a shame. The outcome was... I had a fabulous course with my great support network at Ashen. Its not all been that simple, but I can finally say in June 2019. I can now trot my horse around a school (yes I used to event) ! Its been very hard work... and you need to want it enough.
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
Tuesday, 13 March 2018
The plan goes forth!
So.... as it turns out, I’ve probably said before. For me there is no magic formula to regain confidence. Yes, there are strategies that you can use in your brain. I did an amazing NLP course over a few months a few years ago, which armed me with useful tools but also made me realise I was doing a few of them anyway. For someone else these strategies could make the difference. But what happens when you are using them anyway?
So for me its almost about 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. You can chunk it down and set yourself achievable goals but you just need to DO IT!
That's if you want to do it? It may take some harsh words with yourself or for someone else to speak those harsh words to you. Its OK if you don't want to Event anymore. Its OK if you don't want to school your horse and just hack in walk down the road for the rest of your life. But, if after having the conversation, you do want to do more than this. You need to make your choice.
So after these words being spoken to me and me thinking honestly about them. My decision is I do want to ride my horse. I do want to ride my horse faster than walk in the school (before we both expire of boredom) and I do not to stop my parameters shrinking and shrinking.
Becky (the harsh but needed words) advised that to make the change I need to do it at least 4 times a week. I need to go in the school and trot my horse at least 4 times a week to make the change.
So..... for nearly 4 weeks (1 week off due to snow and wrenched hip joint shifting the chain harrow, luckily the two coincided) that is what I've been doing.
Maybe I should explain what happens when I ask Eager to trot. She goes into trot, she hollows, tightens up and she punches back at me. Then goes back to walk. She is quite compelling that walk is where we want to be. What I currently don't have the confidence to do is ride the hollow, punchy trot until I can change it and tell her to bloody well get on with it!! In walk she is amazing, lovely and rounded, stretching into the contact and soft.
The first week consisted of lunge work (not much) and some ground work. Then getting on asking her to trot and then making it my decision to stop. This was tricky and I was unhappy and felt unsafe. Ridiculously high anxiety. So I tried playing classical music (I find this quite calming on the train after my 10 mins meditation) on my iPhone in my pocket. It helped!!! Anxiety definitely better and managing to get some trots in, albeit quite small.
Week two - snow
Week three - Eager and I now have a playlist of inspirational and songs that I like and think would be good to ride too. Its working by the 3rd session of the week I actually kicked her on and told her not to be such a bag... and she went.
Week four. So its now yesterday. We manage two full circuits of trot on each rein. She was forward going and I chose when to stop. There is anxiety but not much. But, I now have the courage to tell her to get on with it... and she is. I was so pleased, feeling we had really turned a corner.
So just as I was thinking I'll do some proper work in walk and then do some more trot. I asked her to turn across the school and she argues... So I revert to plan no 2 of talking aloud and riding purposefully and very plugged in to the next marker. So purposefully that when she spooks very dramatically spinning left and dropping about 2ft. My hips and lower body stay firmly in place. Very secure. Unfortunately my upper body is more focused on where I'm riding in the opposite direction (I do think my head nearly hit her shoulder). This dramatic jarring twist isn't a good move for my sacroiliac joint.
Immediately I'm in agony. I manage to turn her and ride her past where she spooked. Turn a few more circles. Then I have to get off. Too much pain,
SHIT SHIT SHIT
So for me its almost about 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. You can chunk it down and set yourself achievable goals but you just need to DO IT!
That's if you want to do it? It may take some harsh words with yourself or for someone else to speak those harsh words to you. Its OK if you don't want to Event anymore. Its OK if you don't want to school your horse and just hack in walk down the road for the rest of your life. But, if after having the conversation, you do want to do more than this. You need to make your choice.
So after these words being spoken to me and me thinking honestly about them. My decision is I do want to ride my horse. I do want to ride my horse faster than walk in the school (before we both expire of boredom) and I do not to stop my parameters shrinking and shrinking.
Becky (the harsh but needed words) advised that to make the change I need to do it at least 4 times a week. I need to go in the school and trot my horse at least 4 times a week to make the change.
So..... for nearly 4 weeks (1 week off due to snow and wrenched hip joint shifting the chain harrow, luckily the two coincided) that is what I've been doing.
Maybe I should explain what happens when I ask Eager to trot. She goes into trot, she hollows, tightens up and she punches back at me. Then goes back to walk. She is quite compelling that walk is where we want to be. What I currently don't have the confidence to do is ride the hollow, punchy trot until I can change it and tell her to bloody well get on with it!! In walk she is amazing, lovely and rounded, stretching into the contact and soft.
The first week consisted of lunge work (not much) and some ground work. Then getting on asking her to trot and then making it my decision to stop. This was tricky and I was unhappy and felt unsafe. Ridiculously high anxiety. So I tried playing classical music (I find this quite calming on the train after my 10 mins meditation) on my iPhone in my pocket. It helped!!! Anxiety definitely better and managing to get some trots in, albeit quite small.
Week two - snow
Week three - Eager and I now have a playlist of inspirational and songs that I like and think would be good to ride too. Its working by the 3rd session of the week I actually kicked her on and told her not to be such a bag... and she went.
Week four. So its now yesterday. We manage two full circuits of trot on each rein. She was forward going and I chose when to stop. There is anxiety but not much. But, I now have the courage to tell her to get on with it... and she is. I was so pleased, feeling we had really turned a corner.
So just as I was thinking I'll do some proper work in walk and then do some more trot. I asked her to turn across the school and she argues... So I revert to plan no 2 of talking aloud and riding purposefully and very plugged in to the next marker. So purposefully that when she spooks very dramatically spinning left and dropping about 2ft. My hips and lower body stay firmly in place. Very secure. Unfortunately my upper body is more focused on where I'm riding in the opposite direction (I do think my head nearly hit her shoulder). This dramatic jarring twist isn't a good move for my sacroiliac joint.
Immediately I'm in agony. I manage to turn her and ride her past where she spooked. Turn a few more circles. Then I have to get off. Too much pain,
SHIT SHIT SHIT
Friday, 9 March 2018
Its been a long time.... Too faked out to make it.
So many things have happened since the last post.... I almost don't know where to start. So I'll start with what is going in my life right now.
I have lost my confidence. There I've said it!
I have suffered with this in varying degrees over the last few years if I'm honest. Really since Zulu. When I realised there was a big difference between riding a physically compromised 16.1 ID X to riding a 18.1 big moving Warmblood.
Having learnt to ride the 18.1 big moving warmblood and the physical issues that come with this (for the horse and me) I purchased Eager who is a very different stamp of Warmblood. As it turns out probably not so big moving because she was also compromised... but a different post for another time.
But something Eager is, which neither of my other two were is very sharp. The amount of times people comment when you are riding a big horse (both wide or tall or both). Wow you are so brave up there.... well not so much. Yes, if Zulu did something gymnastic it was huge and quite scary. Being 15ft up in the air on Zulu wasn't as difficult for us as you would think! But, there is a LOT of horse to sit on, a lot of horse in front, a lot of horse to the side. I'm not saying big horses cant be quick and sharp. But in my experience they tend not to be so much. Think of a giraffe running, its like slow motion.
I liked this when I first got her. I definitely think she would have made a great event horse because of the quick thinking sharpness. There was always an element of 'fifth leg' to Eager. The 'fifth leg' is actually her brain.
But due to soundness issue, lack of consistency in her training and also the changes she had to make to her own physicality she started to feel not so safe. She was no longer so balanced and then the sharpness turned on me.
A few sticky instances when spooking. Eager can do a 180 and be at full gallop within 0.5 of a second. This happened a lot and she caught me... a lot. So this even helped, I absolutely knew she didn't want me on the floor and would always catch me. Which gave me the confidence to push her when she would push back.
Then one day she didn't. One day she tried her absolute hardest to not catch me. I'm not sure she meant it. There could be a number of factors to why, which are now irrelevant. It also may have been bad timing for me mentally. But sadly, this one time of her not catching me overwrote all of those times she did.
This was last August (Shit! I just looked this up, I thought was November). Apart from a couple of courses at Becky's. I haven't really trotted her in a school since. On the road I'm fine! I have been aware of it hovering in the background, but I haven't acknowledged it or really tried to give it much brain space at all. This being under the pretence of not wanting to feed the fear. But, this meant I hadn't dealt with it at all. I'd just done nothing.... apart from become a master of all things lateral in walk. God I was bored!!
So I went on my first course of 2018 at Becky's and I lost the plot. I couldn't do it. I could no longer fake the confidence to make it. Rock bottom was hit....
So with the help of my wonderful friends. We came up with a plan.
p.s. I have just read the last couple of posts from before. This isnt really a new issue is it!!!
I have lost my confidence. There I've said it!
I have suffered with this in varying degrees over the last few years if I'm honest. Really since Zulu. When I realised there was a big difference between riding a physically compromised 16.1 ID X to riding a 18.1 big moving Warmblood.
Having learnt to ride the 18.1 big moving warmblood and the physical issues that come with this (for the horse and me) I purchased Eager who is a very different stamp of Warmblood. As it turns out probably not so big moving because she was also compromised... but a different post for another time.
But something Eager is, which neither of my other two were is very sharp. The amount of times people comment when you are riding a big horse (both wide or tall or both). Wow you are so brave up there.... well not so much. Yes, if Zulu did something gymnastic it was huge and quite scary. Being 15ft up in the air on Zulu wasn't as difficult for us as you would think! But, there is a LOT of horse to sit on, a lot of horse in front, a lot of horse to the side. I'm not saying big horses cant be quick and sharp. But in my experience they tend not to be so much. Think of a giraffe running, its like slow motion.
I liked this when I first got her. I definitely think she would have made a great event horse because of the quick thinking sharpness. There was always an element of 'fifth leg' to Eager. The 'fifth leg' is actually her brain.
But due to soundness issue, lack of consistency in her training and also the changes she had to make to her own physicality she started to feel not so safe. She was no longer so balanced and then the sharpness turned on me.
A few sticky instances when spooking. Eager can do a 180 and be at full gallop within 0.5 of a second. This happened a lot and she caught me... a lot. So this even helped, I absolutely knew she didn't want me on the floor and would always catch me. Which gave me the confidence to push her when she would push back.
Then one day she didn't. One day she tried her absolute hardest to not catch me. I'm not sure she meant it. There could be a number of factors to why, which are now irrelevant. It also may have been bad timing for me mentally. But sadly, this one time of her not catching me overwrote all of those times she did.
This was last August (Shit! I just looked this up, I thought was November). Apart from a couple of courses at Becky's. I haven't really trotted her in a school since. On the road I'm fine! I have been aware of it hovering in the background, but I haven't acknowledged it or really tried to give it much brain space at all. This being under the pretence of not wanting to feed the fear. But, this meant I hadn't dealt with it at all. I'd just done nothing.... apart from become a master of all things lateral in walk. God I was bored!!
So I went on my first course of 2018 at Becky's and I lost the plot. I couldn't do it. I could no longer fake the confidence to make it. Rock bottom was hit....
So with the help of my wonderful friends. We came up with a plan.
p.s. I have just read the last couple of posts from before. This isnt really a new issue is it!!!
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