Its been a long time.... Too faked out to make it.

So many things have happened since the last post....  I almost don't know where to start.  So I'll start with what is going in my life right now.

I have lost my confidence.  There I've said it!

I have suffered with this in varying degrees over the last few years if I'm honest.  Really since Zulu.  When I realised there was a big difference between riding a physically compromised 16.1 ID X to riding a 18.1 big moving Warmblood.

Having learnt to ride the 18.1 big moving warmblood and the physical issues that come with this (for the horse and me) I purchased Eager who is a very different stamp of Warmblood.  As it turns out probably not so big moving because she was also compromised...  but a different post for another time.

But something Eager is, which neither of my other two were is very sharp. The amount of times people comment when you are riding a big horse (both wide or tall or both).  Wow you are so brave up there.... well not so much.  Yes, if Zulu did something gymnastic it was huge and quite scary.  Being 15ft up in the air on Zulu wasn't as difficult for us as you would think!  But, there is a LOT of horse to sit on, a lot of horse in front, a lot of horse to the side.  I'm not saying big horses cant be quick and sharp.  But in my experience they tend not to be so much.  Think of a giraffe running, its like slow motion. 

I liked this when I first got her.  I definitely think she would have made a great event horse because of the quick thinking sharpness.   There was always an element of 'fifth leg' to Eager.  The 'fifth leg' is actually her brain.

But due to soundness issue, lack of consistency in her training and also the changes she had to make to her own physicality she started to feel not so safe.  She was no longer so balanced and then the sharpness turned on me.

A few sticky instances when spooking.  Eager can do a 180 and be at full gallop within 0.5 of a second.  This happened a lot and she caught me... a lot.  So this even helped, I absolutely knew she didn't want me on the floor and would always catch me.  Which gave me the confidence to push her when she would push back.

Then one day she didn't.  One day she tried her absolute hardest to not catch me.  I'm not sure she meant it.  There could be a number of factors to why, which are now irrelevant.  It also may have been bad timing for me mentally.  But sadly, this one time of her not catching me overwrote all of those times she did. 

This was last August (Shit! I just looked this up, I thought was November).  Apart from a couple of courses at Becky's.  I haven't really trotted her in a school since.  On the road I'm fine!  I have been aware of it hovering in the background, but I haven't acknowledged it or really tried to give it much brain space at all.  This being under the pretence of not wanting to feed the fear.  But, this meant I hadn't dealt with it at all.  I'd just done nothing.... apart from become a master of all things lateral in walk.  God I was bored!! 

So I went on my first course of 2018 at Becky's and I lost the plot.  I couldn't do it.  I could no longer fake the confidence to make it.  Rock bottom was hit....

So with the help of my wonderful friends.  We came up with a plan.

p.s.  I have just read the last couple of posts from before.   This isnt really a new issue is it!!!